29. SEX FAQs – HOW DO I CORONA-PROOF MY SEX AND LOVE LIFE?
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HOW HAS THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC AFFECTED YOUR SEX AND LOVE LIFE? AND HOW CAN YOU ‘CORONA-PROOF’ YOUR RELATIONSHIP AGAINST THE STRESS, UNCERTAINTY AND CONFLICT?
A crisis like the one we find ourselves in accelerates the dynamics of any relationship, and you may feel more intense emotions for each other or reach breaking point more quickly.
We’re all concerned about staying physically healthy during these times; but it just as important to keep your relationships safe, strong and healthy too.
Sara chats with clinical psychologist Dr. Kimberly Carder, as we discuss practical strategies and solutions to answer the following crowdsourced questions from followers:
1. How do I reduce anxiety for myself, and comfort and reassure my partner during this crisis?
2. I’m around my partner all the time, and we don’t have much desire for sex right now. How can we spice things up and re-capture that sense of excitement?
3. We’re both stuck at home at this intense time, which is driving us to nitpick and fight with each other over lots of small things that wouldn’t normally bother us. What can we do?
4. My partner and I are stuck in different cities, and I’m feeling lonely and bored now that we’re separated. What can we do to feel more connected?
5. My partner thinks I am over reacting and minimizes my fear of the coronavirus, how can I get them to take it more seriously?
6. Is it even safe to have sex these days?
Kim and Sara talk about why the power of “teamwork” is more essential than ever during these times, and the need for the 4Cs – creativity, communication, connection and commitment – to strengthen any relationship, and keep things hot and sexy!
MORE JUICY BITS ON THE SHOW
2:59-5:44 Ways to reduce anxiety and reassure your partner amid this crisis
10:44-13:04 The concept of “holding space” for your partner
13:18-17:51 How to spice things up and recapture that sense of excitement
18:07-23:20 How to avoid fighting over small issues during lockdown / quarantine
23:33-28:25 Staying in touch and connecting with your partner if you’re separated
28:37-34:51 Navigating differences in responses to the virus
35:01-42:15 Safer, smarter sex practices during these times
AUDIO GUIDE: WANT TO GET BETTER IN BED?
Download this FREE audio guide to get 3 critical strategies to help you creatively and confidently rock it between the sheets.
WORDS OF WISDOM
“How do you soothe yourself when there’s so much external chaos? Some people try to act as if everything’s normal. Why? We’re so far from normal right now. Self-compassion is recognizing that there are going to be good days and bad days. With so much news coming in every day, and with everything evolving every day, your emotional experience is evolving as well. Check in with yourself regularly, because how you are today can be very different to how you were 24 hours ago. The moment your internal narrative starts to turn into shame and judgement, you serve no one.”
“When disaster hits and we experience these feelings of anxiety, a lot of the time, they feel personal—we feel personally attacked. We have to realize that, with this interesting predicament we’re in now, while we’re experiencing it individually, it’s happening on a global scale. It’s shared anxiety. It’s shared trauma. So, when you notice that your internal narrative is me-centered, find a way to shift it to relate with what the world is going through. That change in perspective allows you to take the pressure off of yourself and have more compassion for those around you.”
“When we see people we love in bad places, an easy reflex is like, ‘How do I fix this?’ No one has the capacity to make anything better. The best remedy right now is staying at home; and sometimes that’s the crux of the problem—especially in intimacy. But something as simple as holding your partner—physical touch—when everything around you is chaos, can be so, so powerful.”
“So much of a relationship is about mystery from the other. That’s how intimacy and desire is created. So how do you create mystery when you’re with each other all the time? How about sending sexy love notes instead of just asking, ‘What’s for dinner tonight?’ What haven’t you done together as a couple that you now have the time to do? Do something you’ve never done before, especially if you used to think that particular thing was taboo.”
“Anything but full cooperation feels hostile. If you feel that you’re in crisis mode, realize that they’re in crisis mode, too. Come to an understanding that ‘it’s you and me and this situation’. It’s not me versus you. If you need space to yourself, let them know, clearly. The key is to recognize your own emotions and ask yourself, ‘Am I nitpicking, or is this actually a big issue?’ Is the size of the reaction equal to the size of the problem? Communicate candidly with your partner. Resilience is not about being the same, but about teamwork.”
OTHER GREAT REFERENCES YOU'LL LOVE
‘Sex & Love in the Time of Social Distancing’ — online training pulled together by sex coach Sara with tips and strategies to corona-proof your relationship, maintain sexy self-care, and implement creative dates while stuck at home or in different locations
NYC Health Guidelines for Sex & Coronavirus – guidelines on how to enjoy sex and avoid spreading Covid-19. Including “you are your safest sex partner”
How to Date in Self-Isolation – creative ideas for dating during these times, including joining a virtual sext bunker
@kimpossiblecarder - follow clinical psychologist Dr Kimberley Carder on Instagram
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
What steps are you and your partner taking to corona-proof your relationship? Leave us a comment below—we'd love to know!