58. MANAGING JEALOUSY IN RELATIONSHIPS FT. MULTIAMORY
WHY DO WE FEEL JEALOUS? JEALOUSY IS OFTEN A COMPLEX, CATCH-ALL WORD THAT ENCOMPASSES THE EMOTIONS OF FEAR, ANXIETY, DISAPPOINTMENT, OR ANGER.
Some people romanticize this feeling in relationships. Others use jealousy as a justification for controlling and destructive behaviour.
On this episode, Sara sits down with Emily, Dedeker, and Jase, the hosts of the Multiamory Podcast (https://www.multiamory.com/), to unpack the topic of jealousy.
We start off by defining what jealousy is, and sharing candid personal experiences to show it’s a familiar, normal feeling.
Instead of trying to avoid or repress jealousy at all costs, Emily, Dedeker and Jase provide a healthy perspective and evidence-based tools on how to deal with jealousy, based on their own relationship research.
Ultimately, feeling some jealousy could be a sign that there’s something you need to work on in a relationship with a partner or on yourself. And it’s crucial to do some self-reflection to identify the root cause of the emotion.
This episode is filled with practical advice about navigating difficult emotions in relationships. Tune in now to understand what your jealous feelings are telling you, and how you can manage them the next time you experience it.
JUICY BITS ON THE SHOW
04:56 - 10:43 - The beginnings of the Multiamory podcast
10:43 - 13:38 - Jealousy versus envy
13:38 - 16:06 - Different faces of jealousy
16:06 - 20:20 - Negative mindsets towards jealousy
20:20 - 26:56 - Personal experiences of jealousy
26:56 - 32:46 - Is jealousy a sign of love?
32:46 - 40:44 - Top tools and frameworks to manage jealousy
40:44 - 48:03 - How to discuss jealous feelings with a partner
48:03 - 54:24 - Why jealousy can be a turn-on
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TIPS FOR DEALING WITH JEALOUSY
Avoid romanticizing jealousy. While it’s a normal emotion, jealousy is not necessarily a sign of love. Jealousy can originate from a lack of trust, insecurity, desire to possess, and other fears.
Figure out what jealousy is telling you. Jealousy can signal an unmet need. Use this moment to ask questions and reflect on your relationship dynamics.
Use tools to manage a jealousy spike. Some coping strategies could be mind mapping, sleeping, having therapy, or asking for reassurance when jealousy feels overwhelming.
Have regular relationship check-ins. Set some times (preferably not in the heat of the moment) to talk with your partner about your feelings of jealousy.
Bring jealousy up constructively. Use “I” statements in the conversation and try to avoid criticism, accusation, and blame of your partner.
Engage in self-care. Jealousy can be a source of anxiety and stress in a relationship. Nurture your physical, emotional, and mental health when dealing with the emotion, or dealing with a jealous partner.
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE EPISODE
“I see jealousy as it’s something that shows up and it’s trying to show you something or is trying to tell you something. I think it’s sort of the first red flag that comes up, or it’s really more like a sign pointing you in a different direction. It’s pointing you towards something, either something that I’m not getting in my relationship, or something that I’m longing for from a partner or from my life, some sort of insecurity that I’ve been holding, or some sort of wound or some sort of trauma that needs healing.”
“Jealousy is this word that we use for this kind of whole group of feelings. You’re seeing all these different things, right? There’s fear. There’s insecurity. There’s sometimes just anger or there’s desire, or there’s all sorts of things.”
“What I’ve noticed in recent years is I actually feel more open to having partners who express their jealousy to me because I think I’ve had more experiences with partners who can express jealousy, but it doesn’t automatically mean they’re going to act jealous and restrict me, you know. They can be vulnerable to say, ‘Hey, this is really challenging.’ or, ‘Hey, you know, I want to be the best at sex.’ But it doesn’t automatically translate to or mean you better not have sex with anybody else, or you better not talk to me about your other partners, right?”
“A few years ago, when we were doing the research for our attachment styles episode, we found that the mainstream school of thought is that jealousy is a sign of a secure attachment, which is so interesting. So most of the research on attachment styles has been done either on parents and children, you know, that was the foundation of creating attachment theory, or on mostly monogamous couples.”
“I think it’s a sign that there are some stakes here for you in the relationship. I don’t think that this applies to necessarily 100% of relationships, because I do think there can be like horrible pathological jealousy. There can be jealousy that’s very abusive, that’s very controlling, you know. I think there can be people with unresolved issues that manifest as extreme, terrible jealousy in a relationship. But if I exclude that, and I would say like most people’s kind of garden variety, everyday jealousy, again, to go back to my whole thing of like, jealousy is pointing towards something I think often is pointing towards, like this relationship is important to you, in some way.”
“I think the work of Esther Perel. She talks a lot about how particularly in a long-term relationship, what feeds desire is we do want to feel close, and we want to feel safe. But also we need distance as well in order to feel desire and sexiness. It doesn’t necessarily have to be I want my partner to be getting gangbanged, or it doesn’t necessarily have to be I want my partner to have sex with other people. But it could be my partner just having a separate social life, having other hobbies, having other passions. And the way that I think about it is we like having a runway that we can pursue along because the pursuit is sexy. The sense of distance is sexy.”
OTHER GREAT REFERENCES YOU’LL LOVE
Multiamory Book - Essential Tools for Modern Relationships - this book by the hosts of the Multiamory podcast is packed full of important communication tools for relationships of all kinds.
The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola – This book is written by a counselor and nurse specializing in polyamorous singles, couples, and groupings. It includes mental tools and exercises in handling events of jealousy.
The Jealousy Survival Guide by Kitty Chambliss - This book is all about expressing and managing jealousy. Read it if you’re struggling with jealousy in your relationships.
Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan - His work was mentioned on the podcast when discussing why men search “gang bang” in porn sites. More than that, this book is a historical and scientific perspective on human sexual behavior. It will debunk everything you think about when it comes to sex.
Coral App - An app that gives personalized lessons, exercises, and stories to improve your intimate life.
In Long-Term Relationships, When Do You Find Yourself Most Drawn to Your Partner? - This article is a snapshot of Esther Perel’s work on desire. She shares four ways for a person to be more drawn to their partner. In addition, here’s a short video on her views on desire in a long-term partnership.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
What have been your personal experiences with dealing with jealousy?
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