How to make Initiating Sex Easier and More Fun
BY SARA TANG, SEX COACH
INITIATING SEX IS A VULNERABLE TIME FOR ALL OF US, WHETHER ITS ONE OF THE FIRST TIMES YOU HAVE SEX WITH A NEW PARTNER OR AFTER YEARS WITH AN ESTABLISHED PARTNER.
Even in established relationships, a short break from having regular sexual contact (for travel, illness, or having a baby, for example) can make the initiation stages feel new and uncertain again.
As a sex coach, I sometimes see clients where the tricky dance of initiating sex has become laboured, repetitive and at its worst, a negotiation minefield. Thus, I wanted to share some ideas on how to move past these difficulties and recapture the fun and playfulness of the initiating experience.
THE MALE INITIATION MYTH
Many people still buy into the myth that in heterosexual relationships, it is generally the men that initiate sex and the women who get to say yes or no.
This myth can be harmful if it results in only one partner in a relationship who initiates sex disproportionately more than the other. Believe it or not, initiating sex is often as intimidating for a man as it is for a woman, and it’s incredibly important for the health of your sex life to balance the responsibilities for initiating sex.
In addition, the partner doing the bulk of the initiating deserves to feel attractive and desired by their partners, as well as reassured that their partners are enjoying sex with them.
SPEAK ONE ANOTHER’S SEXUAL INITIATION LANGUAGE
Studies have shown that many people, even in happy relationships, aren’t happy with the way their partner initiates sex. This is because just like there are different love languages, there are also different “initiation languages” when It comes to sex.
It’s important to talk about and be aware of your partner’s initiation languages (as they should be aware of yours) so you can approach one another when you’re in the mood in the way they are most receptive to.
Some people prefer to be approached physically, some verbally, some couples are happy to ask the direct question “want to have sex?” while others would find that takes all the passion out of the moment.
Similarly, some people prefer subtle flirting cues, while others prefer over a more passionate approach, such as being thrown onto the bed or pushed up against the wall in the heat of the moment.
Most people will be receptive to more than one initiation language, depending on our moods and what we enjoy, but having a conversation about personal preferences and when they are appropriate, as well as personal boundaries, can help make both planned and spontaneous initiations more fun for the both of you.
The quiz below will help you figure out how to communicate better about sex.
EXPAND YOUR INITIATION SEX MENU
Many of us (especially in heterosexual relationships) equate sex with intercourse and orgasm, so we expect any sexual initiation to lead to the same goal, which can sometimes become formulaic or monotonous.
Create a sex menu together with your partner where you write down what you love or would be up for trying during sex, and make sure that list includes ways to be intimate that aren’t always linked to intercourse and orgasm. For example, a sensual massage or reading an erotic story or even something as simple as having a long, hot bath together.
By expanding your definition of sex to include other forms of connection and intimacy, it will help to bring you closer, and help you get more “yeses” when initiating different things on the menu with your partner.
BE GRACIOUS IF (AND WHEN) YOU ARE TURNED DOWN
No one likes rejection, especially in the bedroom. It’s easy to get hurt and think you aren’t sexually desirable when our initiations are met with a “no”.
However, it’s unrealistic to think that your partner will always be up for having sex when you are. Libidos fluctuate all the time due to many factors and its important to be able to handle a “no” and let it go without building resentment. In fact, it is key to building a happy, trusting relationship.
If you have received a “no”, instead of feeling rejected and insecure, let your partner know that you are happy that your partner has been honest with you, and that they feel comfortable enough to refuse. Then go back to the sex menu you created together and see if you can suggest an alternative that works for both of you to build intimacy in that moment.
However, If you feel like you’re getting “no” from your partner religiously every single time you try to initiate sex, then try reading my article on rebooting your sex life or it may be time for you to seek professional help from a sex coach.
MAKE INITIATING SEX AN EXTENDED INVITATION
Unless explicitly agreed, sexual initiation is always best as an invitation, not a demand. The goal should never be to make your partner have sex with you, but rather make them want to have sex with you.
Initiating sex doesn’t necessarily have to happen right in the few minutes before you’re headed to bed. I like the idea of making initiating sex a much longer experience, which could start hours or days before the act of sex actually takes place.
For example, sexting is a great way to initiate sex with your partner over a longer period, and there’s many great ways to do this even if you normally find yourself too shy and awkward for dirty talk.
Sexting can also be used to find out how your partner’s day is going to see if sex may be on the table or not. A bad or stressful day may mean they aren’t going to be in the mood for sex. Once you’ve been together for a while, you’ll start to get better at reading your partner’s rhythms and signs, and initiating sex will also get easier.
FUN IDEAS FOR INITIATING SEX
It might be easier not to over-think the mechanics of initiating sex but focus more on the qualities that increase your chances of a successful initiation – enthusiasm and confidence. Adopting the right attitude is key. And if you’re wondering how confident a lover you are, taking this quiz will help you figure it out.
In case you need some extra inspiration, I’ve also provided some of my favourite ideas to help you keep initiating sex a fun, playful experience, and make you better in bed.
1. Be a Tease
You can often get your partner in a sexy mood by doing things you know turn them on. Think back to times sex has come naturally and the events that led up to it – did you suggestively show a little extra skin? Watch a sexy movie? Were you secretly suggestive in a public place? Try teasing them a little to gauge if they’re in the mood.
2. Create a “Sex Signal”
Your sex signal doesn’t need to be quite as obvious as Batman’s Bat-Signal, but establishing a sign can be a great way of telling your partner that you’re in the mood if they are. Have a move, a phrase, or an object you put out when you’re in the mood for a little fun.
3. Buy Something Sexy
Try buying a new sex toy, lingerie, game, or roleplaying outfit. Send them a picture of it or leave it on the bed before they go off to work and ask them if they are interested in trying it out tonight.
4. Make it a Game
There are so many sexy games that can help you kickstart the mood and initiate sex in a fun way. You could buy these games at an adult store or improvise your own with what you have. For example, naked Twister or sexy “Blind Man’s Buff” or naughty Truth or Dare.
5. Sex in the Shower
Next time your partner is about to take a bath or a shower, strip down and join them. Then lather up and offer to clean their entire body with soap, and see where it goes!
6. Cook Together and Feed One Another
If you both love food and love cooking, then try preparing a sexy meal together. And proceed to feed it to each other morsel by morsel in a tantalising way.
7. Dirty Dance Together
Put on some music and dance together in a sensual and suggestive way. Try grinding your hips and looking deep into each other’s eyes. The closeness and physicality is sure to spark lust and desire in both of you.
If you’d like a little more help at getting better in bed and becoming a better lover, why not enlist my help? I’m an experienced sex coach and I help both singles and couples become more empowered and a better lover in the bedroom. You can find out more about working with me here.
(Article written for Sassy Hong Kong)