Sexless Marriage Advice: Rebooting your sex life
BY SARA TANG, SEX COACH
THERE’S NO NEED TO BE ASHAMED; MOST COUPLES GO THROUGH PERIODS WHERE THEY JUST CAN’T FIND THE TIME TO BE INTIMATE OR SEX HAS SLIPPED THROUGH THE CRACKS.
Our lives get busy, we go through hard times, or we’ve had a new addition to the family who takes precedence. Of course, while not having regular sex works for some couples, for many of us it just puts a bigger wedge between us and our partner.
SEXLESS MARRIAGE DEFINED
The definition of a sexless marriage is one where the couple is only having sex on average once a month or less. A sexless marriage is frustrating, isolating, and can be a deal-breaker – but it doesn’t always mean the emotional intimacy or friendship is gone too.
It is estimated that 15% - 20% of marriages are sexless – but not all of them are unhappy. If anything, sexless marriages can work if both partners have the same libido levels, and don’t put a high priority on sexual intimacy. There can be many other things that the couple values, like friendship, companionship, co-parenting, financial security that keeps them together.
Sexless marriage only becomes a problem if at least one of the partners feels like they aren’t getting their needs met.
REASONS WHY SEXLESS MARRIAGES ARE SO COMMON
Traditionally, society and our media tells us that men always want sex, and women put up with it because they have to. This just isn’t reality, and our libido constantly fluctuates depending on what else we have going on in our lives.
Trying for and then having children is a common time for libidos going from 100 to 0 in just a few months. Each couple handles pregnancy and sex differently, and once a child is born there is rarely space in a new parent’s life to think about being sexually intimate with one another.
Our careers are another common factor in sexual intimacy taking a back seat; the stress of work and the physical and mental tiredness caused by the day can simply leave one or both partners unwilling to be in the mood or unable to stay awake for those few extra minutes.
Physical factors can play a part for anyone, and if you don’t feel good in your own body, if you feel fatigued often, get sick, take medication which dampen libido, or have ceased making it a priority as you age, sexual intimacy between partners can quickly become a thing of the past.
IS SEXUAL INTIMACY DESTINED TO FADE?
No – while everyone’s libido ebbs and flows throughout their life, it is not destined to fade, and saying that it is bound to fade between is a limiting belief and an “excuse” that couples sometimes use to justify not putting effort into their intimate relationship.
While it is unrealistic to expect that you have the same spontaneous, explosive desire and attraction after a long time together as when you were first got together, you do not need to live with a sexless marriage.
TALK ABOUT HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL
The foundation of a good relationship is communication, so if you’re feeling unsatisfied with your sexless relationship, tell your partner that it’s been a while since you last had fun in that way, and that you’d like to bring it back.
Share with your partner the intention to keep your sex life as a priority, and then commit to doing it together. It shouldn’t feel like you’re both having to meet a goal or that it’s a burden. Instead, it should be something you both look forward to.
Approach the conversation as a team, and not as opponents. Do not accuse the other person – on purpose or by accident – of being the reason why the relationship lacks intimacy, but try to be empathetic and supportive to their desires too. If you feel the two of you have mismatched sex drives, read this article on the best way to handle it.
Instead of talking about frequency and logistics (“we only had sex once in the past six months!”), it’s better if you open the conversation around feelings: “How can we feel more intimate and sexually connected as a couple” is a good conversation starter. Taking the quiz below will help you figure out what your intimacy language is, and deepen your conversations even further.
Approach the conversation as a team, and not as opponents. Do not accuse the other person – on purpose or by accident – of being the reason why the relationship lacks intimacy, but try to be empathetic and supportive to their desires too.
SWITCH IT UP
When did your sexual intimacy become routine? Or are you a happy couple that has gotten complacent and sex has become the very last item on a long to-do list?
If this is you, it’s time to try something new.
It’s important to have a sex life that’s worth craving – and usually that’s full of adventure, novelty and variety. Most of the time if sex becomes the same old thing, it just gets boring and declines naturally.
In order to make things interesting, it means that you have to regularly do something to change things up in the bedroom. If one partner usually takes the lead, try swapping roles, try new positions, new sex toys and try out new ways of getting the libido revved up.
MAINTAIN YOUR INDEPENDENCE
Sometimes married couples become joined at the hip, and do everything together and very little without one another. While this can be romantic in the honeymoon period of a marriage, it’s also a great way to get irritated with the other person over time.
Even if your partner is your favourite person in the world, you can’t spend 24/7 with them forever and not start losing attraction for each other.
Everyone needs a little space and independence, so if you’ve lost your sense of self – through your relationship, having kids, or a particularly stressful job – it’s time to carve back some of your independence.
INVEST IN YOURSELF
Find some things in life you love to do just for yourself. Partners find one another much more attractive when they see the other as someone separate from themselves. You will start radiating confidence, energy and purpose when you find something you love to do and feel like you’re in your element.
It’s easy to start feeling like roommates rather than intimate partners in a long term relationship. Many people underestimate the power of physical attraction and start taking it for granted.
Make an effort to appear well-groomed, physically attractive and sexy to your partner. On occasion, make an effort to dress in something that flatters your best features, even if you’re not going out anywhere special.
STAY MENTALLY & PHYSICALLY HEALTHY
This one you should do for yourself first, but it will pay dividends later in the bedroom. Do your best to stay healthy, both mentally and physically. Invest in good foods, a meal preparation service if you struggle to find the time to cook, a gym membership, or simply start going out for walks regularly.
Strong, healthy people often find it easier to get better in bed, because they have the strength and confidence to try new things. Some foods and spices can even help increase libido!
You also need to do whatever you need to manage your physical health and your mental health. Meditation and self-care practices (whatever self-care means to you) is incredibly important for helping you feel present with your partner and desirable.
START SLOW WITH SENSUALITY
When you first decide to get the sexual intimacy back into your relationship, don’t throw yourselves onto the bed and expect sparks to fly.
Start slow, reconnecting with physical touch and spending one-on-one time with one another. Hold hands while you’re out, hug one another more often, and create more opportunity to look at each other in the eyes as you spend time together.
Eye contact is one of the first signs of sexual chemistry and attraction, and it’s a powerful tool to show your partner wordlessly how you feel, but many of us talk without looking at one another and spend our one-on-one time in front of the television.
Go out to dinner, deliberately device-free, and really take the time to share deeply and converse with each other in a meaningful, vulnerable way. Be present with partner. This helps to maintain intimacy and strengthens the bonds of affection, friendship, companionship, which sexual attraction springs from.
FLIRT WITH EACH OTHER
Flirting isn’t just necessary to meet a partner, but it also essential in a long term relationship. Flirting reinforces your long-term relationship by reminding what you love and find sexy about your partner, keeps the romantic spark alive.
Make the effort to validate each other. Tell the other what you appreciate most about them every day. Give compliments on their appearance, especially in front of other people. Buy them little gifts or notes. And tease and sext each other, send each other naughty pictures of whenever you’re feeling particularly dressed up or dressed down.
IS IT POSSIBLE TO REBOOT A SEXLESS MARRIAGE?
Yes it is! However, its much harder the longer time goes by and being sexless has become a habitual state of affairs for the couple. The trick is to not be complacent about reviving your sex life regularly. A bit like adding fuel into a tank. Once things empty out completely for a long time, its harder to jumpstart from zero.
Particularly, sexlessness that has gone on for a long time may be a symptom of a deeper relationship issue - like the discovery of an affair, repeated criticism or frequent arguing, or just growing apart. In that case, then deeper therapeutic work may be needed to help to unearth some of those issues.
NEED A LITTLE EXTRA HELP?
If you aren’t sure about how best to move forward and revive the intimacy in your relationship, sex coaching may be just what you need.
With me by your side, we can approach on sexlessness in a more structured manner by uncovering what the lifestyle, physical, emotional “blocks” to sex are, and work out a plan on how to clear them.
I can also support couples approach communicating around this issue with vulnerability and empathy. Often I find couples are usually not just sex-avoidant, but also conversation-avoidant, as it is something they feel deep despair or frustration over.
Being better in bed and having a great sex life with your partner in the long term is definitely achievable. If you’d like to find out more about my sex coaching, click here.
Ready to read more? How to Keep the Sexual Spark Alive Long Term and How to Introduce a Sex Toy to a Partner are great places to go next.